14 January 2017

panic attack


strange
the lights are too bright
head aches,
heart slams against chest,
hands are balloons.

room full of strangers
shadows of faces
faces of fear
come and go
strain, tension.

the people brush past
moving slow, dream-like,
you sit nearby, plaid & blue
left unaware –
my mind is such a silent place.

P A N I C
suddenly crashing in
smothers me until i cry out in terror & my insides convulse
throws me into oceans of excruciating pain
heart trembles, aches

hate hate hate
ugly & stupid failure
foolish & useless child
unlovable & undeserving mess-up 
hate hate hate.

unescapable, overwhelming hurt
pounding through me
fingertips dig deep into palms
it is here –
oceans of it.

/ passing of time

every breath an uncertainty,
stumbling alone through the fog
numbed by the suffering 
& disassociated from the weight that dizzied me 
i have been anesthetized by hurt.

exhaustion.

12 November 2016

blood



droplets of blood on my fingertips,
lips halfway parted
i taste only the aftermath of the tempest.

screaming into the night,
i flee the desert of apathy
dizzy from lack of life-breath.

suddenly awake.

barred owl calling through the darkness,
sighing of leaves against the breeze,
smells of cold rain, crushed apples, waning moons.

i want to hide from dreams of nettles tearing at our parallel souls.

04 October 2016

sixty-eight



never-ending drumbeat of sixty-eight beats in chest
light spreads across pale cheeks
breath freezes in air
slip on last stair
mug scalds fingertips
i abhor it all.

how many times have i promised myself that one day
i should again behold the oceans of blue hidden in the shadows
waves cascading over me
promised myself that i should again break the surface, determinedly gasping more air

how many nights have i faced the darkness!
felt it fall soft on my heart, you are strong, you are brave, you will find the end
finally fallen asleep at dawn, pillow soaked with tears

but yesterday
when i screamed your name to the skies
& my own voice was thrown back at me
mocking mocking

it was then when i felt the truth, at last.

there is nothing left.