14 January 2017

panic attack

the lights are too bright
head aches,
heart slams against chest,
hands are balloons.

room full of strangers
shadows of faces
faces of fear
come and go
strain, tension.

the people brush past
moving slow, dream-like,
you sit nearby, plaid & blue
left unaware –
my mind is such a silent place.

suddenly crashing in
smothers me until i cry out in terror & my insides convulse
throws me into oceans of excruciating pain
heart trembles, aches

hate hate hate
ugly & stupid failure
foolish & useless child
unlovable & undeserving mess-up 
hate hate hate.

unescapable, overwhelming hurt
pounding through me
fingertips dig deep into palms
it is here –
oceans of it.

/ passing of time

every breath an uncertainty,
stumbling alone through the fog
numbed by the suffering 
& disassociated from the weight that dizzied me 
i have been anesthetized by hurt.